I’m too in tune with my intuitions, it’s very scary. But hey, I at least knew what was coming so I slightly prepared myself for it. Still stings a little
actually liking someone. someone that likes you. im still getting used to the stuff that comes with that. its inspiring
i want boys to like me so i can not like them back and feel powerful
I’m so sorry
I really wish I knew how to make you feel better, all of you. It really hurts me to just sit here and watch you guys not be happy and I want to make you happy but I don’t know how and it’s killing me. It’s not fair that you guys are sad because there’s no reason it should be you guys, I know all of you are (can be) wonderful people and want to better yourselves when you’re all already exceptional people. I just don’t know what I can do to help you, and I want to, but what do I do… I’m so sorry, what can I do? :(
i really love dancing in my room so some 70s music hehee
ohgosh, what have i done. “i miss you bro” i mean, could that really be bad? why make it seem like it is? i feel like it really brought him down, mostly because he hasn’t responded… i could say i wanted to see his reaction?? “bro?” how do i even respond to that without it seeming mean. dangit. this is why im better at confrontation in person. plis, i cannot talk about sensitive topics over the phone.
this event really brought back my feelings of being a phony. just because i don’t know how to feel, or how i really do feel about it shouldn’t mean im a phony. i hope not. its one of my biggest worries. i want the other person to be happy, so i would base my feelings on how they feel, unless i really feel strongly about something… i would just ‘take it into consideration’ if that’s the case. but this isn’t really the case. i just wish i knew his stance on this situation. like, does he see something between us? if so then i probably would think twice about calling him bro. i just always give the other person the benefit of the doubt. i wouldn’t act as though the other person actually likes me romantically (if its that kind of situation) because i don’t want to be the one setting things into motion like that. not a risk id take because it could end badly. i honestly need the other person to tell how they feel, and bluntly at that. like, if they like me, please for the love of god, just tell me, or if you don’t like me, please for the love of god, just tell me. and i don’t feel that people should assume that i know how they feel. i really don’t. i don’t even know how i feel. i don’t expect them to know how i feel anyway.
plus, i dont think he should expect me to talk to him in a certain way, especially since i don’t know how he feels, but i guess he did. i do get the hint that he really likes me though, but i feel that saying that, i seem really conceited. and i dont want to seem that way. im not. and to add to talking him in a certain way, i honestly wouldn’t even know how. i’ve never been in a true relationship, just a single week-long thingy. am i supposed to have a nickname for you or something? bro doesn’t mean anything specific, it is just an ‘in general thing’ that i call most of my friends. i don’t really feel comfortable calling someone a name that implies a relationship, or something romantic, if that how he sees this as.
don’t get me wrong though, i really do miss him.
yeah, i think i figured out what im doing. it seems to be working, so we’re going with it… or at least i am
trying to figure out my stance on this
as always, im probably just making it seem weirder than it is
literally about guys.
i don’t really know what to do. basically not thinking about it works hehe. so apparently this dude does like me. i didn’t really think he did, but im guessing he likes a lot of girls, not just me specifically. so im either just being logical, or in denial. i mean, this wasn’t supposed to happen, i don’t think at least. its fun hanging out with this dude, always. and he is awesome, but idk how i feel about him liking me. obviously, i don’t really know what to do. im trying to figure out what im feeling.
at the start, it was i guess a subconscious experiment, trying to see what the best way to act around a boy is. its always easier hanging out with guys alone. but anyway, i guess we kept hanging out, and since there was a predisposition that he was gonna be my brother husband before i met him, i guess that in a way led to the power of suggestion. and why am i psychologically analyzing this? true story though.
anyway, unbeknownst to me, it was obvious there was something there. i mean, all we’ve done so far, i really just saw that as him showing me how to be a girlfriend or something. it does sound really stupid. lol idk how to rephrase that. but that was how i saw it since im a very physically awkward individual when it comes to intimate things like hugging, cuddling, close proximity stuff. as i said, it was weird. i guess it is stupid to think that all that possibly meant nothing. like, i thought that it was just practice for whenever i get a boyfriend. obviously, i am in denial about such things. i have to say though, i only think that way because i know there are lots of guys who do that and don’t really mean it, or don’t really like the person in an intimate manner. they just act that way because its either just part of their nature, or because they want to feel the comfort of being with another individual, but not in an emotional/intimate sense. i guess ‘sex’ fits in there somewhere.
yeah, from all i thought, of course i was wrong. i mean, deep down, i guess there was something there, maybe it wasn’t equal from both parts, but nonetheless there was something. i guess i should stop thinking that things, signs, actions don’t mean what they probably do, or don’t mean what i suspect them to. my fault on that part? im pretty glad that i asked if it meant anything, it would be best for me to know now than a couple months down the line. and apparently, it really did mean something. im not sure if it was a big something, or just small hint of something, but there is something.
he did ask me how i felt too, and i was honest and told him how it’s always nice to have someone like you, but i wouldn’t really know how i truly feel since i have created a strong barrier of hesitation over the years towards being with guys in that sense. im also very weary of guys liking me, since i don’t know what they like me for. are they expecting something out of it? do they actually just want to be with me? basically, i told him that i don’t like him in the same way, but somewhat still gave a large sliver of possibility. im okay with that, since i don’t know what i want thus far. he told me he understood and said that we could take it slow. ill just assume that means what im guessing it really means. i told him that id be okay with that, but we’ll see if anything comes out of this eventually. there isn’t really a this or anything, just possibilities down the line.
some hints that it is what it clearly states itself to be: he was pretty open about his life and ideas, he seemed persistent on wanting to cuddle and stuff (which i thought was weird of course), the being alone and not hanging out with his best friend, the talk about the sensitive subjects and stuff.
i could tell something was up. i guess i should just get used to not really talking about what’s going on, situation wise, especially in the moment. ill just keep those in my head and talk about it after. for example, when i started to question the intentions and stuff like “what the heck”… “what is going on?”… “what am i doing?”… “does this mean anything or…”… and of course, my favorite “shh, don’t talk male, i am trying to rest here, can you not see that?” i just wanted to sleep lol so i kind of ignored what he was saying a little.
and now, i start to feel more mature, the mindset blooming has begun/ advanced.
that’s about it. basically all that’s on my mind about the situation at the moment. and yes, i shall update if any advancements were made to figuring this out. hooray
was this long? i feel like it was long.
yeah, as i knew, it was my period all along!! it really did just come really early this month, very odd. my period is usually exact and perfect, just like me, but it go me a bit sick. angry cramping and mad brain pain :( but all is better now, though i still get pain in my head from now and then. like when i exercise/ am tired? like now :/ all this low iron tho.
im planning on getting makeup and extra clothes
got a c on my astro test, but an a on the project. and revised and returned my essay. hopefully its better.
i think i might be a bit crazy too, like more paranoid than crazy actually. im paranoid i guess?? thinking people have some sort of plan about me or something. i really don’t know. but its nothing bad, just a passing thought lol
im pretty excited to get all the things on my list. especially a new phone. im ready for a new one now. im almost done with link’s awakening, legitly. i’ll actually probably finish it tomorrow :) excited!
today was a good day. didn’t get upset of anything big. a lot of time spent with friends :) and masubi’s and bobas. things are light :) except my period. but generally, not too much work, and i have things i can do during leisure time, so no boredom.
im in love with this moment kind of. and so excited that it’s gonna be cold tomorrow!! YAY :,D OH, how i miss the cold <3
okay, i shall try to sleep now… le cramps are kicking in
but why? es past the first dayyy…. help
I miss my youth night friends… i miss hanging out w/ youth night. :( now that im in events, there are plenty of even to attend, and only on fridays…WHY?
okay, now i sleep
im actually pretty terrified of being depressed again
i don’t know why but i’ve been feeling sad for no reason when im alone, and i get really emotional when i think about that time, which isn’t normal. hopefully it’s nothing, but if it is what i think it is, then these are really premature pre-period emotions. i don’t know how to go about this, but oh well. just some worries
im so tired
feeling bad about not going to the hike, but i need some time to myself. must get things straight and done. yeah
why am i so tired
i hope i get sick soon
i had a very emotional splurge of tears today
im too tired i must sleep
ill do everything tomorrow
because im tired
its already tomorrow