i really love dancing in my room so some 70s music hehee
ohgosh, what have i done. “i miss you bro” i mean, could that really be bad? why make it seem like it is? i feel like it really brought him down, mostly because he hasn’t responded… i could say i wanted to see his reaction?? “bro?” how do i even respond to that without it seeming mean. dangit. this is why im better at confrontation in person. plis, i cannot talk about sensitive topics over the phone.
this event really brought back my feelings of being a phony. just because i don’t know how to feel, or how i really do feel about it shouldn’t mean im a phony. i hope not. its one of my biggest worries. i want the other person to be happy, so i would base my feelings on how they feel, unless i really feel strongly about something… i would just ‘take it into consideration’ if that’s the case. but this isn’t really the case. i just wish i knew his stance on this situation. like, does he see something between us? if so then i probably would think twice about calling him bro. i just always give the other person the benefit of the doubt. i wouldn’t act as though the other person actually likes me romantically (if its that kind of situation) because i don’t want to be the one setting things into motion like that. not a risk id take because it could end badly. i honestly need the other person to tell how they feel, and bluntly at that. like, if they like me, please for the love of god, just tell me, or if you don’t like me, please for the love of god, just tell me. and i don’t feel that people should assume that i know how they feel. i really don’t. i don’t even know how i feel. i don’t expect them to know how i feel anyway.
plus, i dont think he should expect me to talk to him in a certain way, especially since i don’t know how he feels, but i guess he did. i do get the hint that he really likes me though, but i feel that saying that, i seem really conceited. and i dont want to seem that way. im not. and to add to talking him in a certain way, i honestly wouldn’t even know how. i’ve never been in a true relationship, just a single week-long thingy. am i supposed to have a nickname for you or something? bro doesn’t mean anything specific, it is just an ‘in general thing’ that i call most of my friends. i don’t really feel comfortable calling someone a name that implies a relationship, or something romantic, if that how he sees this as.
don’t get me wrong though, i really do miss him.
yeah, i think i figured out what im doing. it seems to be working, so we’re going with it… or at least i am
trying to figure out my stance on this
as always, im probably just making it seem weirder than it is
literally about guys.
i don’t really know what to do. basically not thinking about it works hehe. so apparently this dude does like me. i didn’t really think he did, but im guessing he likes a lot of girls, not just me specifically. so im either just being logical, or in denial. i mean, this wasn’t supposed to happen, i don’t think at least. its fun hanging out with this dude, always. and he is awesome, but idk how i feel about him liking me. obviously, i don’t really know what to do. im trying to figure out what im feeling.
at the start, it was i guess a subconscious experiment, trying to see what the best way to act around a boy is. its always easier hanging out with guys alone. but anyway, i guess we kept hanging out, and since there was a predisposition that he was gonna be my brother husband before i met him, i guess that in a way led to the power of suggestion. and why am i psychologically analyzing this? true story though.
anyway, unbeknownst to me, it was obvious there was something there. i mean, all we’ve done so far, i really just saw that as him showing me how to be a girlfriend or something. it does sound really stupid. lol idk how to rephrase that. but that was how i saw it since im a very physically awkward individual when it comes to intimate things like hugging, cuddling, close proximity stuff. as i said, it was weird. i guess it is stupid to think that all that possibly meant nothing. like, i thought that it was just practice for whenever i get a boyfriend. obviously, i am in denial about such things. i have to say though, i only think that way because i know there are lots of guys who do that and don’t really mean it, or don’t really like the person in an intimate manner. they just act that way because its either just part of their nature, or because they want to feel the comfort of being with another individual, but not in an emotional/intimate sense. i guess ‘sex’ fits in there somewhere.
yeah, from all i thought, of course i was wrong. i mean, deep down, i guess there was something there, maybe it wasn’t equal from both parts, but nonetheless there was something. i guess i should stop thinking that things, signs, actions don’t mean what they probably do, or don’t mean what i suspect them to. my fault on that part? im pretty glad that i asked if it meant anything, it would be best for me to know now than a couple months down the line. and apparently, it really did mean something. im not sure if it was a big something, or just small hint of something, but there is something.
he did ask me how i felt too, and i was honest and told him how it’s always nice to have someone like you, but i wouldn’t really know how i truly feel since i have created a strong barrier of hesitation over the years towards being with guys in that sense. im also very weary of guys liking me, since i don’t know what they like me for. are they expecting something out of it? do they actually just want to be with me? basically, i told him that i don’t like him in the same way, but somewhat still gave a large sliver of possibility. im okay with that, since i don’t know what i want thus far. he told me he understood and said that we could take it slow. ill just assume that means what im guessing it really means. i told him that id be okay with that, but we’ll see if anything comes out of this eventually. there isn’t really a this or anything, just possibilities down the line.
some hints that it is what it clearly states itself to be: he was pretty open about his life and ideas, he seemed persistent on wanting to cuddle and stuff (which i thought was weird of course), the being alone and not hanging out with his best friend, the talk about the sensitive subjects and stuff.
i could tell something was up. i guess i should just get used to not really talking about what’s going on, situation wise, especially in the moment. ill just keep those in my head and talk about it after. for example, when i started to question the intentions and stuff like “what the heck”… “what is going on?”… “what am i doing?”… “does this mean anything or…”… and of course, my favorite “shh, don’t talk male, i am trying to rest here, can you not see that?” i just wanted to sleep lol so i kind of ignored what he was saying a little.
and now, i start to feel more mature, the mindset blooming has begun/ advanced.
that’s about it. basically all that’s on my mind about the situation at the moment. and yes, i shall update if any advancements were made to figuring this out. hooray
was this long? i feel like it was long.
yeah, as i knew, it was my period all along!! it really did just come really early this month, very odd. my period is usually exact and perfect, just like me, but it go me a bit sick. angry cramping and mad brain pain :( but all is better now, though i still get pain in my head from now and then. like when i exercise/ am tired? like now :/ all this low iron tho.
im planning on getting makeup and extra clothes
got a c on my astro test, but an a on the project. and revised and returned my essay. hopefully its better.
i think i might be a bit crazy too, like more paranoid than crazy actually. im paranoid i guess?? thinking people have some sort of plan about me or something. i really don’t know. but its nothing bad, just a passing thought lol
im pretty excited to get all the things on my list. especially a new phone. im ready for a new one now. im almost done with link’s awakening, legitly. i’ll actually probably finish it tomorrow :) excited!
today was a good day. didn’t get upset of anything big. a lot of time spent with friends :) and masubi’s and bobas. things are light :) except my period. but generally, not too much work, and i have things i can do during leisure time, so no boredom.
im in love with this moment kind of. and so excited that it’s gonna be cold tomorrow!! YAY :,D OH, how i miss the cold <3
okay, i shall try to sleep now… le cramps are kicking in
but why? es past the first dayyy…. help
I miss my youth night friends… i miss hanging out w/ youth night. :( now that im in events, there are plenty of even to attend, and only on fridays…WHY?
okay, now i sleep
im actually pretty terrified of being depressed again
i don’t know why but i’ve been feeling sad for no reason when im alone, and i get really emotional when i think about that time, which isn’t normal. hopefully it’s nothing, but if it is what i think it is, then these are really premature pre-period emotions. i don’t know how to go about this, but oh well. just some worries
im so tired
feeling bad about not going to the hike, but i need some time to myself. must get things straight and done. yeah
why am i so tired
i hope i get sick soon
i had a very emotional splurge of tears today
im too tired i must sleep
ill do everything tomorrow
because im tired
its already tomorrow
just some thoughts
so today, ive decided to go on 32 day commitment to not eat chocolate…what have i done? all for aerobics lol
im kind of starting to realize that there is something of an empty space somewhere in my being. i mean, i guess maybe i thought that by having a lot of guy friends i wouldn’t really need a boyfriend, since im basically surrounded with cool guys. idk how i really came to this thought, i was just dancing to some phantom of the opera and all of a sudden, this epiphany slowly formed. quite odd. and let me tell you, this is probably because im about to start my period in a week or so, you know what i mean.
i find it intriguing that i can be so open with guy friends, especially idk gay ones, because, girl, they don’t care if you have to poop. but for some reason guys don’t believe girls poop. it was a hoax all along.
idk what else to say. i got pretty emotional while listening to phantom and started thinking of a bad thought. i dont really know why, maybe just the hint of pain and emotion in the singing that reminded me of when i was depressed. that wasn’t a good time at all. it’s happened more recently lately, so im kind of scared that things aren’t going so well again, but its okay i think. as long as i dont get as bad as last time.
i really love my friends. i love my family.
im glad i was able to make friends, at least more than i would have if i was still the same from a few years ago. im glad i got to run into some of my friends through out the day.
life is pretty interesting.
dad’s getting another surgery, not again. as always, im sure he’ll be fine, just a hernia i think.
i wish i was easily able to express myself in public. i normally do, but i mostly mean, when i meet new people.
is it weird that i think that somehow there are people we need in our lives. ive had this feeling that im supposed to keep in contact with someone specific, until something happens. idk how long, or why, or when this thing will happen. so i try to keep in touch with them now and then. i personally think this is weird, but then again im probably slightly crazy, like everyone know.
i guess thats all. art test tomorrow yay, i wish me luck
yes, i speak of boys here. i find myself wondering how this one guy sees me, i mean i have known him for a while and throughout the years, i feel our ‘feelings’ towards the other have varied, from liking the other, to not really even thinking of the other. but anyways, i wonder where the bar is at now, actually going to the same school, tis weird. i think we’re okay friends, but in my eyes, i consider this to be some sort of complicated friendship. idk, i may be fond of this character, not sure yet, but whateva, we’ll see. im sure its nothing special
and for the next male, he’s pretty awesome. like my actual guy friend. i don’t really know his whole story. as far as i know, he’s a precious being who may get lonely at times. im feel really thankful that he see’s me as a friend, whether im a very close friend or not, i enjoy hanging out with him :) he’s basically like my male form, and im really glad we can be super open around each other, i find that rare for me when it comes to guy friends. nonetheless, i really enjoy his company, and am super glad we’re friends. i do consider him one of my close friends :) he’s pretty awesome! lol most of my guy friends are, but this guys up there. its strange though, i wouldn’t have expected us to be friends, it just somehow happened, and the friendship grew stronger in college. yis, freindship.
sidenote: i find it super easy to make guy friends, especially when i’ve somewhat known them before, like if they went to my high, middle, or elementary schools. with new guys, it’s somewhat iffy, but eventual, it gets there, and way easier than it normally would, which is great either way lol
and now, for i guess what would be the last male. he’s probably the most interesting character i’ve met thus far. i was actually pretty apprehensive about this one. i was actually scared a bit. i think being somewhat crazy is actually awesome because it’s sort of a new experience haha so for a first hangout, i thought this was kind of the most bonding ive done. i tend to push my comfort zone lol to me its all about trying new things, even id be incredibly apprehensive about actually doing the things as compared to just thinking of it. well anyway, this one is pretty spiritual, well, extremely actually. go hippies lol and he’s also very observant. like i feel like he basically put my character into words, which is actually pretty hard for me. it was really odd. i got way more out of this hangout than expected. this guy was filled with a bunch of info and indirect advise. he’s kind of how i’d like to be, referring to how honest this guy is. i like that he really got me thinking, it’s been a while since ive done some deep thinking. teaching me piano keys, and how to not be afraid of voicing my opinion. not that i am. im only that way when it comes to new people since i don’t like disagreeing with people i don’t really know. really made me question myself somewhat. anyways, i had a lot of fun with this guy, talking to kids and talking about my honest feelings on stuff. it was weird, but fun in a way. its not everyday you get to hang out with aladdin lol especially the convo we had at the playground about intimacy and how its perceived differently and such, something id like to remember because it really is something i need to work on, or at least that’s how i see it. at least this guy made me feel better about myself. its scary of accurate he was when he told me about what he observed / analyzed about me. i thought it was cool. no one really has done so, or if theyve tried, its been off by a bit, usually a lot though. and soooo, thats the last guy. hopefully we hang out once more. its nice meeting people who you don’t usually come across on a day to day basis. apparently, especially in the city.
sidenote2: i think in general there is some kind of force as fate which would help you know when its the right time to do something. we all do things and everything we’ve done so far in life has led us to an experience, event, a person who we can’t really imagine life without. i also think those “what if” questions come into play. what if i did this instead of that, or what if i left sooner, or left later, or became friends with this guy a long time ago, or just barely becoming friends. what if i went to this school instead of that. i don’t really like dwelling on what ifs, but it just so happens that certain strange situations lead you to thinking that way. you go fate, working in strange ways. and this, good people, is why i don’t have many, or any at that, regrets in my conscious life. it’s an awesome feeling. as i believe, don’t get mad or sad, or angry about any negatives that happen in your life because everything happens for a reason, and everyone is different and we always have some choice in what we do, which leads to the big picture. i guess we all have something planned out for us that normally would end in positive. or at least i believe it usually does. i think its also cool that we bump into people or see someone somewhere you wouldn’t expect. low days often lead to better days, so at your lowest, just remember, it will always get better eventually. don’t worry about it, but its always a pleasant surprise. #toooptomistic
i hope things work out for everyone :) got a little too deep, but that’s okay of course. i love my friends, and family. im fond of my acquaintances, and also this one fella.
and remember, when opportunities arise, take them, especially if you normally wouldn’t, unless it has to do with stuff. (in my case, kisses, alcohol, drugs, and the sex…ew) stay strong lol
finally, that is guytime. thank you for reading, please tune in next week when blah blah blah blah blahhh, yeea
and here, i shall create my posts of sadness, happiness, profoundness, serendipity…all that jazz
basically, here lies my legit blog